Every time I think I get to a conclusion, I find myself even farther away than before.
I told you I'd try, I still wanted to continue life with you, but it's really hard.
I still carry that fear that you don't accept me. That you judge me too harshly.
I know marriage is about choosing the other person. And I need to try to choose you. But my heart doesn't want to. Somewhere along the line, the door was shut before I even knew it. I'm trying to pry it back open, but I'm struggling.
Yes, we have history, we have a past. We have kids who are the best of us. But do we have each other?
Sometimes it feels like you want me to be someone I'm not. And I'm tired of trying to pretend to be her. My representative is not that different from my real self. There are things that I hide, but I do try to put as much of my real self out there.
I want you to be happy, and I want me to be happy. Mostly I want the kids to be happy, and that's why I'm still here. But if you ever find out that it's not real, what will happen then? Should I tell you? Does it matter?
You told me that you love me more than I'd ever know. But what do you love? Because I'm not sure you love who I really am. And I think that's the crux of the problem. Maybe once I feel you really love me, we can move forward together?
10:03 a.m. - 2015-10-26