shit is still as confusing as ever. he's trying to change, and i appreciate it, but i am not sure if it's a little too late. i'm not sure if i'll ever let down my walls. i don't look at him the same way. i feel like we'd be better friends than lovers. and he's trying so hard, being so different. i can't tell if it's real or just an act.
i know my indifference is going to bring something out of him sooner or later. i just don't know when that is. i feel incredibly guilty for just wanting to be friends. when i see the kids happy to be with him, i'm feeling guilty in wanting to break us up. maybe it's premature, maybe it's too early to say that this is exactly what i want. but i feel like i need to say something before it comes to the point where he just gives up. can we just be friends. it's been almost 3 months and i'm not any closer to feeling romantic towards you.
we spoke about not being right for each other. there must be other people out there more compatible for us. you assume i'm looking for "the one." you believe if you wait for the one forever you're going to die alone because you may never find that perfect person. I'm not really looking for perfect, i'm looking for a better fit. And we never made any more moves to talk about our relationship after that. but you put your game face on, and you've been trying hard. to hug more, to check in on me more. to be with the kids more. to take initiative and do things without being told. and it's nice, i appreciate it, but it's not breaking down the wall, you know?
why's the wall still up? i wish I could tell you. am i scared it'll go back? am i just over it? do i just need space? did i run out of that kind of love for you? I feel like I exhausted all options. and now that you know i'm so close to done, now you try. and it feels a little disingenuous. not real. you only doing it because you have to. maybe later on i'll find that it's a for real change. but can you wait that long? will i ever be attracted to you again?
2:27 p.m. - 2015-12-30